Dear 15 year old Jacquie,
It is me.. or should I say it is you.. your “old” self! Yes you are almost 32 and yes you have grey hair!! No life does not stop at 30 and no you don’t have it all together and have a million dollars in the bank! 🙂
First off and most importantly… I have to tell you.. you will have a beautiful little daughter.. She is so sweet.. so funny.. and you will absolutely adore her! I know what you are thinking… and yes Jacquie you ARE a good mom! Don’t let fear dictate your life. Know that she will come into your world and change EVERYTHING.. and the day you give birth to her you will believe in God again.. Know that you will have a husband.. who is an amazing dad and loves that little girl just as much as you do… and would do anything for you.
Secondly.. know that you will experience so much more in the next 15 years than you ever imagined. Stop rushing to grow up and just enjoy being a teenager! You don’t need to solve everything.. you don’t need to be anyone’s back bone.. you don’t have to figure it all out and take care of adult problems yet. Be a kid! Also, listen to Dad… I know you don’t want to hear that but listen to him.. he has been through a lot and one day you will realize he deserves more respect than you are giving him. Being a parent isn’t easy, it is a lot of work and you don’t see that now but you will.
Know that there will come a day that you will find peace with yourself. You will be at peace with your body and your mind. Know that it is OK to not be a size 2 and that food is NOT the enemy. Not eating is not a sign of strength but a sign of weakness. The temporary power you feel from starvation is not actually power but it is you at your absolute weakest and know that YOU have the ability to pull yourself out and you do! Believe in yourself more.. trust that you know what makes you happy and that you know what is right and wrong.. don’t forget who you are! This constant struggle you are dealing with will be over one day. One day you will meet a group of ladies that will lift you up.. that will help you find balance.. yes balance! You will.. please trust me.. you will not always be fighting yourself with food. You won’t be crying over how you look.. life is so much bigger than what you see right now. Allow yourself the time to figure that out.
Lastly.. know that you will have a lot of rough moments too.. but you will get through them. That it is OK to fall apart because you know how to put yourself back together. Know that you will never forget Helen.. I know you fear you will.. but you wont! The pain will not be as bad as it is right now.. you will learn to move on in life and the anger you feel now will go away. Trust yourself.. you are smarter than you think!
P.S You never will get over your fear of spiders.. sorry this one stays.. and will stay.. but you will learn that hairspray and a shoe are the perfect combo! Oh and sharks.. that one sticks too..